Meet Five Men Who All Think They’re the Messiah

National Geographic

These men say they’re the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Their disciples agree.



Near Brasília, Brazil, followers of INRI (Iesus Nazarenus Rex Iudaeorum: Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews) push their messiah around on a rolling pedestal. A dozen disciples—most of them women—live full-time with the celibate 69-year-old in his walled compound, which is protected with barbed wire and electrical fencing. INRI takes his name from the initials that Pontius Pilate inscribed on Christ’s cross. His awakening came in 1979.




also known as The King of Kings, The Lord of Lords, Jesus

In Eshowe, South Africa, Moses Hlongwane preaches to his flock during his own wedding ceremony—an event he says marks the beginning of the End of Days. Moses says that God identified him as the Messiah during a dream in 1992. At the time Moses was working as a jewelry salesman. Since then, he’s preached in Eshowe, Johannesburg, and other cities in the region. Moses has about 40 disciples.



This guy really looks the part.


also known as The Christ of Siberia

In an off-the-grid Russian village called Obitel Rassveta (“abode of dawn”), Vissarion sits in the living room of a disciple. Born Sergei Torop, he had a revelation around the time the Soviet Union collapsed that he was Jesus Christ reborn. Founder of the Church of the Last Testament, he now has at least 5,000 followers; many of them live with him in several utopian eco-villages in the Siberian woods. They’ve built their own schools, churches, and society. Vissarion’s proclamations have been published in 16 tomes titled The Last Testament.



In Russia, disciples of Vissarion, aka the Christ of Siberia, walk past the village of Cheremshanka on their annual Christmas pilgrimage. Led by priests carrying a lit candle in a glass box, the followers sing psalms, exchange greetings, and indulge in merrymaking.




also known as Parent Rock of the World, Mr. Faithful, Mr. Word of God

Bupete Chibwe Chishimba sits on a sofa in his home in Kitwe, Zambia. This messiah goes by several names, but his disciples refer to him simply as Jesus. He spends his days driving a cab, spreading the gospel, and preparing the world for the Kingdom of God.



Jesus of Kitwe walks around a marketplace in the town of Ndola, Zambia, proclaiming the arrival of the Messiah and the End of Days. When he’s not sermonizing, the 43-year-old man named Bupete Chibwe Chishimba wears street clothes, drives a taxi, and lives with his wife and five children in neighboring Kitwe, a copper-mining city with more than half a million inhabitants. This Jesus says he received a revelation from God when he was 24. Shortly after this image was taken, a crowd of churchgoing Christians accused him of blasphemy. When the crowd began to threaten violence, Jesus of Kitwe left in a hurry.




also known as The Only God. In Tokyo, Jesus Matayoshi sermonizes during his most recent campaign for a seat in the Japanese parliament. His scripture is titled How the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, the One True God, Jesus Matayoshi Will Change Japan and the World.



Atop a van in Tokyo, Jesus Matayoshi delivers a fiery sermon as part of his campaign for a seat in the House of Councillors, instructing opponents to commit suicide and threatening hellfire upon transgressors. During two weeks of campaigning in 2016—he’s run in many elections over the past two decades—he drove around Tokyo, spreading his message. Many people ignored him, but he did garner 6,114 votes. Mitsuo Matayoshi was born in Okinawa in 1944. In 1997 he founded the World Economic Community Party, which bases its policies on his identity as Jesus Christ reborn. Jesus Matayoshi says his goal is to bring about the End of Days via the democratic political process, eventually occupying the post of United Nations secretary-general and instituting the will of God on Earth.

Instructing opponents to commit suicide! Bring about the End of Days via the democratic political process. This is a bad Jesus.

Bill O’Reilly points finger at “God” after accusations of sexual harassment

Bill O’Reilly has seemingly run out of options for blaming others after a series of sexual harassment allegations canned the former Fox News host. From accusers to the news media, the only logical scapegoat left would surely be his Almighty.

During a recent episode of his web series “No Spin News,” O’Reilly spoke candidly about his anger toward God for not protecting him, as more details surrounding allegations have surfaced, according to CNN.


“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said. “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at him.”

He also admitted people have it “much rougher” than him and that he’s a “bigmouth.”

The New York Times reported Saturday that O’Reilly paid $32 million to settle accusations with former Fox News contributor Lis Wiehl. Six other agreements have been made by either O’reilly or the network on his behalf.

With this latest rant under his belt, his New York Times bestseller Killing Jesus: A History is beginning to look more like a manifesto.

Japanese spa offers ‘exorcism’ for your dog

Rascal, a Chinese Crested, is poses for a portrait after competing in the World's Ugliest Dog Competition in Petaluma, California on June 26, 2015. Quasi Modo went on to win first prize as the ugliest dog in the competition.  AFP PHOTO/JOSH EDELSON        (Photo credit should read Josh Edelson/AFP/Getty Images)

A Japanese dog spa has taken pet pampering to a whole new level by offering “exorcisms” for their furry guests.

The D+Kirishima spa not only offers the latest in formal kaiseki doggy-owner dinners and spa baths together (yes, together in the same bath), but also a package called the “Pet Dog Exorcism Plan.”

A senior Shinto priest will come to the spa to conduct a ceremonial blessing to rid your pup of bad spirits and pray for its future health.

The ceremony is especially suggested for dogs in their “unlucky health years.”

“Seven-year-old, 10-year-old, and 13-year-old dogs need to be careful of their health, as it’s easier in those years for them to gets diseases of aging,” according to the spa’s pitch for the package.

“The exorcism for your dog is celebrated along with its owner at the Shingariyu shrine within the hotel.”

It only takes 30 minutes, according to the site. And it costs $430 — room and pet-owner dinner included.



This demon dog is levitating.


Definitely possessed

The Japanese must have something similar for cats. Some need help.




A No Go Zone for Vampires


The Hill of Crosses is a site of pilgrimage about 12 km north of the city of Šiauliai, in northern Lithuania. The precise origin of the practice of leaving crosses on the hill is uncertain, but it is believed that the first crosses were placed on the former Jurgaičiai or Domantai hill fort after the 1831 Uprising. Over the generations, not only crosses and crucifixes, but statues of the Virgin Mary, carvings of Lithuanian patriots and thousands of tiny effigies and rosaries have been brought here by Catholic pilgrims. The exact number of crosses is unknown, but estimates put it at about 55,000 in 1990 and 100,000 in 2006.


Over the generations, the place has come to signify the peaceful endurance of Lithuanian Catholicism despite the threats it faced throughout history. After the 3rd partition of the Polish–Lithuanian Commonwealth in 1795, Lithuania became part of the Russian Empire. Poles and Lithuanians unsuccessfully rebelled against Russian authorities in 1831 and 1863. These two uprisings are connected with the beginnings of the hill: as families could not locate bodies of perished rebels, they started putting up symbolic crosses in place of a former hill fort.

When the old political structure of Eastern Europe fell apart in 1918, Lithuania once again declared its independence. Throughout this time, the Hill of Crosses was used as a place for Lithuanians to pray for peace, for their country, and for the loved ones they had lost during the Wars of Independence.

The site took on a special significance during the years 1944–1990, when Lithuania was occupied by the Soviet Union. Continuing to travel to the hill and leave their tributes, Lithuanians used it to demonstrate their allegiance to their original identity, religion and heritage. It was a venue of peaceful resistance, although the Soviets worked hard to remove new crosses, and bulldozed the site at least three times (including attempts in 1963 and 1973). There were even rumors that the authorities planned to build a dam on the nearby Kulvė River, a tributary to Mūša, so that the hill would end up underwater.

On September 7, 1993, Pope John Paul II visited the Hill of Crosses, declaring it a place for hope, peace, love and sacrifice. In 2000 a Franciscan hermitage was opened nearby. The interior decoration draws links with La Verna, the mountain where St. Francis is said to have received his stigmata. The hill remains under nobody’s jurisdiction; therefore people are free to build crosses as they see fit.




The vampires will be destroyed if they venture near this holy hill.


Stewart MaClean boring crowds in heaven

Stuart MacLean puts lackadaisical inside of boredom wrapped in watching paint dry.  This guy is dry boring.  Stuart is a radio show phenom in senior citizen homes across Canada.  His show, The Vinyl Café, is on CBC radio every Sunday at noon.  I have tried to listen to it, but I fall asleep every time. The show is monotonous, tedious, irksome, tiresome, humdrum and so lacking in anything interesting that it should be bottled as a new super sedative.

The Vinyl Café is a complete rip-off of Garrison Keillor’s A Prairie Home Companion, a show from south of the border.  Vinyl Café is all about Stuart’s storytelling.  Real fluff. An example is: Morley and Dave went grocery shopping, on the way Morley realized he forgot to put underwear on, Dave said that’s okay, I’ll give you mine, then a cat crossed under a step ladder and all hell broke loose. By all hell we mean Morley and Dave heard a siren in the distance. Morley said I sure hope that cute granny who lives in the red house didn’t do anything wrong.  This made Dave laugh so hard he shit his pants, thereby not allowing him to give Morley his shorts.

When Morley and Dave got home they realized they forgot laundry detergent. Morley said Dave you will have to wash those crappy shorts with toothpaste. As Morley said this Dave was taking a drink from his glass of milk, Dave burst into uncontrollable laughter causing him to regurgitate his milk through his nose.  This caused Morley to pass out. And so it goes. Boring insignificant blather.

How this show has remained popular is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Mind you the audiences that Stuart plays to are generally rural hicks who revere Don Knotts and the TV show Family Feud. No Jon Stewart crowd here. Stuart gets his biggest audiences in Yellowknife, Kamloops, Selkirk and Weyburn for example.  He isn’t too popular in the big cities. He has a country audience. The ruralites will stop combining during harvest to load up the family and drive to the parish hall to listen to Stuart’s gabble.

I wish CBC would fire Stuart and put on something else. Stuart could make a living reading story books to horses in labour. His soothing delivery would make the mares relax and have no trouble farting out the colt. I rest my case.

Don’t have to fire poor Stuart. He’s dead. This is rough for me to stay, but good riddance, this idiot was a super-wimp! I hate wimps.


‘Divine Cloud’ Appears Over Tonga


A man living on the island of Tonga believes that he received a divine message in the form of an odd cloud that bears an uncanny resemblance to a divine figure.

Joey Mataele snapped a photo of the formation during a visit to his brother’s house and subsequently shared it on social media.

Mataele’s message with the image made his interpretation quite clear as he marveled, “this is an image that was unexpected and I know it’s a miracle in my life.”

The ‘identity’ of the ‘divine figure’ likely depends on one’s own proclivities as suggestions have included the Virgin Mary, Jesus, and an angel.

Skeptics who say that there is no such thing as a divine message argue that the ‘heavenly’ sight which stunned Mataela is simply just an ordinary cloud.

Clearly, the ultimate interpretation of what the wispy white ‘figure’ might mean, if anything, is a matter of faith.


While we’re at it. Below is a few more examples of divine intervention.

Jesus Christ is everywhere during Holy Week, but one Orlando woman thought she was going crazy when she saw his image in the bark of a dead tree in her front yard.

“It’s Treesus,” the homeowner, Kim, said on the eve of Resurrection Sunday. “I find it very odd. For me, it’s unmistakable, and I’m not particularly religious. So I don’t know what it means.”

The Orlando Sentinel agreed to withhold her full name and address because she fears her home would turn into a mecca of pilgrims wanting to see the image.


Here the face of Jesus manifests as a stain on a bathroom wall.


Grilled cheese sandwich, actually this one is the Virgin Mary I think.


There are no photos of Jesus (okay maybe the Shroud of Turin) and nobody painted him.  So how did we determine that he looks like the guy on the Kit Kat chocolate bar?


Potato chip


The image seems to materialize in hot places


Pizza slice


Why? Why would the Lord and Saviour, King of Kings, put his face on a bloody banana?  He might only convert 2 or 3 people with this stunt.  He should manifest on a giant billboard in Times Square.


Pareidolia is a psychological phenomenon involving a vague and random stimulus (often an image or sound) being perceived as significant. Common examples include seeing images of animals or faces in clouds, the man in the moon or the Moon rabbit, and hearing hidden messages on records when played in reverse.

There have been many instances of perceptions of religious imagery and themes, especially the faces of religious figures, in ordinary phenomena. Many involve images of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, the word Allah, or other religious phenomena: in September 2007 in Singapore, for example, a callus on a tree resembled a monkey, leading believers to pay homage to the “Monkey god” (either Sun Wukong or Hanuman) in the monkey tree phenomenon.

Carl Sagan hypothesized that as a survival technique, human beings are “hard-wired” from birth to identify the human face. This allows people to use only minimal details to recognize faces from a distance and in poor visibility but can also lead them to interpret random images or patterns of light and shade as being face.

Oh wow Jesus, this is really going to help people quite smoking.