Way too early for this.
|Top 20 Ethnic Origins in the Winnipeg
CMA (2011; Total Responses)
|First Nations||40,010||5.6||First Nations||36,515||5.3|
|Total population||714,640||100||Total population||686,040||100|
A Sasquatch has been spotted darting around the urban landscape in the downtown. What is even more concerning is that the big hairy hominid is wearing a Jason mask. Yes, the evil Jason from ‘Friday the 13th’ infamy. Why a Jason mask? What is the intentions of this Squatch? Are the intentions nefarious and evil? No community deserves to have a psychopathic huge ape that walks on 2 legs on the loose.
Local newspaper the Midtown Plaza Bulletin took action and brought in renown paranormal investigator Mel Ryan. Mel has covered exorcisms at the now destroyed Demon Hotel, rooted out annoying ghosts at the old Archives building and confronted evil specters at the infamous Vaughn Street Jail, to name but a few of his audacious exploits. Mel immediately immersed himself into locating the rogue Sasquatch.
With the help of veteran clairvoyant Dean McDay and a resourceful bloodhound named Doctor Nose, Mel cornered the enigmatic Squatch at the dog park on Assiniboine Avenue. Mel immediately snapped a photo.
With a Jason mask covering its face and holding a soccer ball under its right arm, it stood and faced the stunned intrepid paranormal investigator. Mel was dumbfounded. What is going through this creature’s primitive mind? As Mel reloaded to take another photo the Squatch, with super-human strength, threw the soccer ball towards him. Mel ducked in the nick of time, the speeding ball just missed his head, Mel’s glasses went flying. By the time he crawled around and located his glasses the Sasquatch disappeared down an adjoining back lane.
Mel called his psychic friend Dean McDay instantly. McDay predicted the Squatch was headed towards The Forks. Mel Ryan ran at full speed to the green area in downtown Winnipeg known as The Forks. Doctor Nose was distracted by the other hounds running around the dog park. He wanted to join the doggy fun.
Mel made it to The Forks in short time. It didn’t take long before he spotted the elusive cryptid at the Oodena Celebration Circle.
Donning the Jason mask and petting a raccoon, the Squatch was reclining in the sand. With the beast making no attempt to flee, Mel ran back to his SUV to get his rocket propelled stun grenades. That weapon was capable of immobilizing a bull elephant, surely it would knock out cold the red furred Squatch.
As it often turns out with the Bigfoot creature, when Mel returned it was nowhere to be seen. Mel was disappointed, if only Doctor Nose had not abandoned him for the smell of other dogs at the dog park, this may have ended differently.
The investigation continues. Updates shortly.
Winnipeg has a history of urban Sasquatches. Why in Winnipeg, its anybody’s guess. The beasts have been spotted all over the downtown area and along the river.
The brave citizens of the city even have tours:
For more information on the Demon Hotel, please see