The Idiocy, Fabrications and Lies of Ancient Aliens

The History Channel presents self-appointed challengers of science who take on the idea that aliens caused the extinction of non-avian dinosaurs

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Until now, I have assiduously avoided Ancient Aliens. I had a feeling that if I watched the show—which popularizes far-fetched, evidence-free idiocy about how human history has been molded by extra-terrestrial visitors—my brain would jostle its way out of my skull and stalk the earth in search of a kinder host. Or, at the very least, watching the show would kill about as many brain cells as a weekend bender in Las Vegas. But then I heard the History Channel’s slurry of pseudoscience had taken on dinosaurs. I steeled myself for the pain and watched the mind-melting madness unfold.

I’m actually glad that my editors don’t allow me to cuss a blue streak on this blog. If they did, my entire review would be little more than a string of expletives. Given my restrictions, I have little choice but to try to encapsulate the shiny, documentary-format rubbish in a more coherent and reader-sensitive way.

The episode is what you would get if you dropped some creationist propaganda, Erich von Däniken’s Chariots of the Gods and stock footage from Jurassic Fight Club into a blender. What results is a slimy and incomprehensible mixture of idle speculation and outright fabrications which pit the enthusiastic “ancient alien theorists,” as the narrator generously calls them, against “mainstream science.” I would say “You can’t make this stuff up,” but I have a feeling that that is exactly what most of the show’s personalities were doing.

There was so much wrong with the Ancient Aliens episode that I could spend all week trying to counteract every incorrect assertion. This is a common technique among cranks and self-appointed challengers of science; it is called Gish Gallop after young earth creationist Duane Gish. When giving public presentations about evolution and creationism, Gish rapidly spouted off a series of misinterpretations and falsehoods to bury his opponent under an avalanche of fictions and distortions. If Gish’s opponent tried to dig themselves out, they would never be able to make enough progress to free themselves to take on Gish directly. Ancient Aliens uses the same tactic—the fictions come fast and furious.

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While the main point of the episode is that aliens exterminated dinosaurs to make way for our species—a sci-fi scenario accompanied by some hilarious, mashed-together footage of dinosaurs fleeing from strafing alien craft, perhaps a preview of Dinosaurs vs. Aliens the movie—the various ancient alien experts do little more than assert that such an event must have happened. Surprise, surprise, they provide no actual evidence for their claims. Instead, they borrow evidence for fundamentalist Christians, who are never actually identified as such. Creationist Michael Cremo is identified only as the author of Forbidden Archeology, and Willie E. Dye is credited as a biblical archaeologist without any mention of his young earth creationist views. Ancient Aliensproducers clearly did not care about the credentials or expertise of the talking heads they employed—just so long as someone said the right things in front of the camera.

And the creationists didn’t disappoint. About halfway through the program, Cremo says, “Some researchers found human footprints alongside the footprints of dinosaurs.” The quote is a line out of context from Cremo’s interview, but is played in a section claiming that American Museum of Natural History paleontologist Roland T. Bird found human footprints associated with dinosaur trackways in the vicinity of Glen Rose, Texas.

Bird didn’t find any such thing. He found many dinosaur footprints and trackways—one of which he and his crew partially excavated and anachronistically placed behind the AMNH’s “Brontosaurus“—but no human tracks. Strangely, though, hoaxed human tracks did have a role to play in Bird’s decision to initially visit the tracksites.

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Erich Von Daniken is one of the noisiest blow-hards propagating the myths and archeological lies of the Ancient Aliens family.  He is a big proponent of the theory that the Nazca Lines in Peru were space alien landing strips. The aliens travel billions and billions of miles through outer space to get to earth and they need landing strips?!! 

 

The show can’t seem to decide whether aliens exterminated dinosaurs 66 million years ago or whether dinosaurs somehow survived to the modern era. Which is it? Did aliens clear away dinosaurs so that we might live? Or did some dinosaurs escape extinction somehow? Competing ideas bounce around like ping-pong balls during the whole episode. Grandpa Simpson tells more coherent stories.

Ancient Aliens is some of the most noxious sludge in television’s bottomless chum bucket. Actual experts are brought in to deliver sound bites that are twisted and taken out of context while fanatics are given free reign. Fiction is presented as fact, and real scientific research is so grossly misrepresented that I can only conclude that the program is actively lying to viewers. To present the show as a documentary, on a non-fiction network, is a loathsome move by the History Channel spinoff. (Technically, Ancient Aliens airs on an offshoot of the History Channel called H2.) If the network and the show’s creators want to present Ancient Aliens as a light survey of fringe ideas and make it clear that the ideas aren’t meant to be taken seriously, I can’t quarrel with that. But Ancient Aliens and shows like it winnow away at actual scientific understanding by promoting absolute dreck. Ancient Aliens is worse than bad television. The program shows a sheer contempt for science and what we really know about nature.

The narrator on the show does nothing but postulate conjecture. Question after question: Is it possible…, could it be…, is there a chance…, what if…,?  The questions go on and on. And the ancient alien theorists assume that their speculation has to be true!

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This clown has gotten dirty rich off this TV show. He is laughing all the way to the bank.

The Time Tunnel

There was a science fiction TV show from the 1960’s called the Time Tunnel in which a massive U.S. government agency was building a time machine, called the Time Tunnel.  The show itself was basically the adventures of two scientists who go back in time to prominent historic events and occasionally forward into the future. 

But the best part of the show was the underground base in which the Time Tunnel was located.  36,000 people worked in the giant underground base in Arizona.  Entering the base was done by going through a Batcave like entrance and then driving into a colossal parkade.  The ground above the base looked like regular desert.  The corridors and walkways in the base crisscrossed over thousand foot high drops. 

This must be one of the best underground bases ever conceived.

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Project Tic-Toc is a top secret U.S. government effort to build an experimental time machine, known as “The Time Tunnel” due to its appearance as a cylindrical hallway. The base for Project Tic-Toc is a huge, hidden underground complex in Arizona, 800 floors deep and employing over 36,000 people. The directors of the project are Dr. Douglas Phillips (Robert Colbert), Dr. Anthony Newman (James Darren), and Lt. General Heywood Kirk (Whit Bissell). The specialists assisting them are Dr. Raymond Swain (John Zaremba), a foremost expert in electronics, and Dr. Ann MacGregor (Lee Meriwether), an electro-biologist supervising the unit that determines how much force and heat a time traveler is able to withstand. The series is set in 1968, two years into the future of the actual broadcast season, 1966-67.

Irresistible Lily Munster

Lily Munster, Countess of Shroudshire (née Dracula), is a fictional character in the CBS sitcom, The Munsters, originally played by Yvonne De Carlo. The matriarch of the Munster household, Lily is a vampire.

Lily was born in 1827 to Sam Dracula (Grandpa) and his 166th wife (referred to only as “Grandma”). She lived with Grandpa for some time in Transylvania (a region in Romania) before meeting Herman Munster and marrying him in 1865. She, Grandpa, and Herman moved to America sometime before the mid-1940s and adopted her sister’s child, Marilyn. In the mid-1950s, she gave birth to Eddie, her and Herman’s only child.

Her name is presumably derived from the tradition of the lily as a flower of death, or a vague reference to Lilith, a female demon of Jewish mythology.

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Lily is the matriarch of the Munster family. She is very close with her niece, Marilyn. She has a werewolf for a brother, who appears in one episode, and a sister who is mentioned a few times who is Marilyn’s mother. Lily is the voice of reason in the Munster household, often relied upon to set problems right, and typically mediates when Herman and Grandpa squabble.

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Lily and Herman

Lily also has a fiery temper. While she is deeply in love with Herman (“Pussycat,” as she calls him), she also frequently gets very angry at him (due to his frequent stupidity and occasional selfishness), and Herman often meekly discloses his fear (to others) of being on the receiving end of her wrath. She also has reprimanded her own father (Grandpa) on several occasions for his own foolish actions and stubborn self-righteousness.

Lily is a beautiful and slender woman who appears to be in her middle age years, although she is actually hundreds of years old. A white streak in her hair recalls the monster’s mate from Bride of Frankenstein. Lily usually dresses in an ankle-length pale pink gown that appears faded and old, and she sometimes also wears a scarf. Her necklace features a bat-shaped medallion. When away from the Munster house, she sometimes wears a long silver cape with a hood. In the episode “Munsters Masquerade”, Lily demonstrates the ability to float in the air while dancing.

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Gothic Underwear

Herman loves it

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Why are CNN political analysts falling asleep on the set?

Breaking News: in the last few days political pundits that appear on CNN  have been drifting off into dreamland as the cameras roll. No one is quite sure what is causing the live spontaneous napping, but a recent investigation was undertaken by CNN security staff, the results below.

The analysts begin to lose interest in the topic and start closing their eyes.

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Even Don Lemon seemed to have very heavy eyelids

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The guy on the left seems to be having a very pleasant dream

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But not Anderson Cooper, even as his guests nod off he sits there like a stoic Roman statue.

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Some guests, such as the ex-general above, even started snoring.

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This young lady started talking in her sleep, she spewed out obscene expletives before Wolf Blitzer threw his water in her face.

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Even Trump defenders, such as Kayleigh above, are not immune from the heavy veil of the sandman.

CNN security chief, Igor Vokovov (former Russian special forces colonel) has come to a conclusion on the cause of the sleep anomaly. He alleges that frequent CNN pro-Trump commentator Jeffrey Lord is involved.

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Jeffrey Lord is a former member of the Ronald Reagan administration, author, and right-wing political strategist in Pennsylvania.

As the story goes: Lord is purported to be not only a Trump supporter and surrogate, but also a Trump saboteur. Lord was finally awarded for his efforts to reverse negative Trump ‘Fake News”, by being invited to Trump Tower to meet with Donald himself.

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If I didn’t mention it earlier, Jeffrey has a very large head and very small hands.

Another strange twist to this tale, a few weeks ago trump invited Bill Cosby to his Florida mansion. Attempts were made to keep the encounter top secret. But an intrepid reporter from the National Enquirer somehow gained access and provided this information.

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As the shamed comedian and the President played a round of golf, tidbits emerged that Donald was constantly asking Bill about the rape charges against him. More specifically he wanted to know what drugs Cosby used to knockout the women before he would have sex with their lifeless bodies. Bill was quoted as saying: “Quaaludes my man Mr. Donald, the ludes baby, the ludes”.  Trump purportedly was very pleased.

Reports are that Trump then had son-in-law Jared Kushner acquire Quaaludes from the New York Italian Mob and secretly provide them to Jeffrey Lord. Lord was constantly in CNN headquarters in New York City. He was about to sabotage the CNN water supply according to Igor Vokovov. Igor concludes that quaalude saturated drinking water in CNN facilities is responsible for the sudden sleepiness and passing out.

CNN has released a photo of Jeffrey Lord spiking a water cooler in CNN headquarters with some foreign substance, more than likely quaaludes.

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CNN lawyers, headed by Alan Dershowitz, are putting together a case against Lord alleging malicious intent, sabotage, willing and feasible intent to harm and blatant pro-Trump propaganda. Lord is now under constant surveillance while on any CNN property.