How to Cuss Politely

I grew up in a rural area where the vocabulary of most people was about 2-300 real words. But those same people had at least 50-100 swear words under their belt ready to be spit out in a milliseconds notice. And what was better, where I grew up was a tri-lingual community, three languages, English, French and Flemish (Belgian Dutch). So we had the chance to be worldly swearers. We could be completely fluent in cuss words from three languages! It was fantastic. If you stubbed your toe you could swear for 10 minutes straight using Anglo-Franco-Flemingo cusses.

But now that I have matured and become more laid back, I hardly cuss out loud anymore. But internally, that is a different story. When I’m thinking to myself every third word is a very bad word. Makes me feel better, a kind of catharsis. Let off some steam, but the way I swear inside my head I should be steamed off almost immediately after a few thoughts, but no, it continues all day. I’m trying to swear internally in a more respectful way, so I am starting to use the words and phrases below. I am finding I feel less guilty. Viva les linguindidos.

Ned shows the way:


But he used Jesus’ name in vain. Some time in Purgatory Ned.

A few examples of alternative cussing:

Fudge Nuggets that woman has a nice Fish Pastel!

If that Shuzzbutt doesn’t shut his mouth, I’m going to make a mercrob out of his Shikaka!

Why doesn’t this NFL team trade that saffron Hobknocker!

Oh, snap, Son of a motherless goat!

How in the snookerdoodle am I going to get out of this Mothersmucker?

Son of a motherless goat! How the fudge berries did I fall for those cornnuts!


That is the ugliest fart knocker I have ever come across.

Yuck Fou!

Take those kittywhiskers and shove them up your Shnookerdookies!

I’m going to rotate and tilt your jaw, then unscrew your Jehoshaphat!

**Please use with moderation.