U.S. Military develops new Interrogation Technique for Islamic Terrorists

The U.S. Navy has come up with a different kind of interrogation method which is being used on the Gitmo terrorists. Some human rights groups are calling the new make-them-talk interrogation procedure as inhumane and brutal beyond water boarding. Other prisoner rights organizations have said it should be stopped immediately, as it could cause permanent brain damage and PTSD.

But Naval intelligence officer Luther Youngblood countered that there is absolutely no physical contact with the terrorists during the procedure, and they get to munch on popcorn.

The technique was dreamed up by a clerk in the mail room at Naval headquarters in the Pentagon. Lionel Benningfield discovered that when he was watching all day marathons of “The Big Bang Theory” with his roommate the guy would begin to twitch and mumble to himself. After 6 or so episodes the roommate started spilling his guts to Luther about all of his most private secrets. His innermost life information would flow out of him like a water cannon.

And that is exactly what Naval intelligence has been doing at Gitmo. The bloodthirsty captured terrorists are forced to watch non-stop episodes of “The Big Bang Theory” on a giant screen for hours on end.

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This guy tapped out after 12 non-stop episodes.

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He was singing like a songbird after the TV show made him spastic. His info thwarted an ISIS attack on a kindergarten in Syria.

CNN having a hard time getting Reporters to cover Newest Hurricane

As Hurricane Maria barrels towards Puerto Rico right after the “nuclear Hurricane Irma” blasted through the Caribbean and Florida, CNN again intends on providing cutting edge coverage. The only problem this time is that many journalists that CNN tasked with covering Maria are calling in sick.

CNN drops the reporters right in the middle of the path of the Hurricane and expects them to deal with the punishing wind, blowing debris, storm surges and pelting rainfall as long as they can hold out. Some insiders have leaked that half a dozen CNN Hurricane Irma correspondents came down with wicked colds and skin wrinkling after being subjected to hours of being soaked and drenched by tidal flows and fire hose like rain.

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At CNN headquarters in Atlanta upper management was purported to be panicking after a call for Hurricane volunteers has went unheeded. Some reporters have called in sick, others have claimed they have family funerals to attend and some said they have to take stress leave which are backed up by doctor’s notes.

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The Washington Post has just released a breaking news story that CNN has hired Chuck Norris to tackle Hurricane Maria. Rumour has it that Norris can beat anything. Chuck will be flown over the ocean miles off the Puerto Rico coast and parachute down to the surface.  He wants to check the water temperature, wave speed and Hurricane induced super currents before swimming to land. He also doesn’t want to waste time landing at an airport and going through the baggage retrieval process.

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Badass Presidents

To be United States President, you have to be Real Badass, and take on whatever stands in your way

 

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Including Sasquatches, Teddy Roosevelt.

 

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Ronald Reagan chasing the “commie bastards”

 

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Don’t mess with “Tricky Dickey”

 

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Thomas Jefferson pacifying the locals

 

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W. Bush riding a Sharknado

 

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Bill Clinton, a great horny American, even has Ronald McDonald watching his back.

 

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Take your best shot, Castro!

 

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President Lincoln upholding the sacred second amendment, “the right to Bear arms.

 

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Come on Putin, make my day, Punk!

 

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The real George W.!!

 

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No stopping the old weathered Fabius

 

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Attack my fort!!

 

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The Secret Service was always watching the backs of the Prez’s.

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Justin Trudeau Honours Wolverine with The Order of Canada Medal

On his current trip to British Columbia Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau presented Wolverine with Canada’a highest achievement award, the Order of Canada Medal. Trudeau thanked Wolverine for his service to the country and the western world. More specifically, the PM thanked him for his crusade battling evil mutants, communists, Islamic extremists and deranged rogue superheroes.

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Wolverine was born James Howlett in northern Alberta, Canada, during the late 1880s, purportedly to rich farm owners John and Elizabeth Howlett, though he is actually the illegitimate son of the Howletts’ groundskeeper, Thomas Logan. After Thomas is thrown off the Howletts’ property for an attempted rape perpetrated by his other son, named simply Dog, he returns to the Howlett manor and kills John Howlett. In retaliation, young James kills Thomas with bone claws that emerge from the back of his hands, as his mutation manifests. He flees with his childhood companion, Rose, and grows into manhood on a mining colony in the Yukon, adopting the name “Logan”.
When Logan accidentally kills Rose with his claws, he flees the colony and lives in the wilderness among wolves, until he is captured and placed in a circus. Saul Creed, brother of Victor Creed, frees Logan, but after he betrays Logan and Clara Creed to Nathaniel Essex, Logan drowns Creed in Essex’s potion. Logan returns to civilization, residing with the Blackfoot people. Following the death of his Blackfoot lover, Silver Fox, at the hands of Victor Creed, now known as Sabretooth, he is ushered into the Canadian military during World War I. Logan spends time in Madripoor before settling in Japan, where he marries Itsu and has a son, Daken. Logan is unaware of his son for many years.

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During World War II, Logan teams up with Captain America and continues a career as a mercenary. He serves with the 1st Canadian Parachute Battalion during D-Day, and later with the CIA before being recruited by Team X, a black ops unit.
As a member of Team X, Logan is given false memory implants. Eventually breaking free of this mental control, he joins the Canadian Defence Ministry. Logan is subsequently kidnapped by the Weapon X program, where he remains captive and experimented on, until he escapes. It is during his imprisonment by Weapon X that he has adamantium forcibly fused onto his bones. James and Heather Hudson help him recover his humanity, and Logan begins work as an intelligence operative for the Canadian government’s Department H. He becomes Wolverine, one of Canada’s first superheroes. In his first mission, he is dispatched to stop the destruction caused by a brawl between the Hulk and the Wendigo.

North Korea launches ballistic missile at North America

After doing some bad methamphetamine, Kim Jong Un and his brown nosing generals decide to hit the U.S. with their new long-range missile the KN-08. The intended target was either Los Angeles or San Francisco according to RAND Corporation analysts.

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The missile guidance system fails, as predicted by Stephen Colbert, and lands a thousand miles to the north. The missile and its nuclear warhead land in southern Alberta, Canada. Barley missing blowing up a herd of 10,000 black Angus cattle.

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It is time Canada gets on board with the U.S. anti-ballistic missile defense system.