Reality TV Personalities Vying for the White House in 2020

Trump was the first Reality TV celeb to make it to the White House, good or bad depending on your political stripes. Now Oprah Winfrey is hinting she may make a run for President in 2020. Only in America, television celebrities with good ratings are the heroes that achieve anything they want.

Crystal Ball 2019

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News Bulletin Sun-Times: Donald Trump was impeached and sent to prison on various rape and sexual molestation convictions. Former President Trump was out of the 2020 White House race.

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Oprah Winfrey pounced on the opportunity and declared her candidacy for president. Being the smart strategist that Oprah is, she realized her running mate should be another likable reality TV star.

Non other than Cesar Milan!

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Oprah surmised that she could garner redneck votes by bringing a dogman onto the ticket.

With Trump cooped up at Sing Sing prison in New Jersey, the Republicans decided to follow the Democrats tactics.

The GOP ticket for 2020 would be made up of Pawn Stars head honcho Rick Harrison for president, and the running mate would be the Ghost Hunter RotoRooter plumber. Harrison’s political views are to the right of Heinrich Himmler. He is a rabid capitalist whose life source is sustained by massive gobs of cash.

It has been purported that he prays nightly at his own private money temple in his Las Vegas mansion. The temple is made up of pure gold and silver with a gigantic dollar sign in the middle. When he is done worshiping the god Mammon begging for more money he gets to work on his super computer bitcoin mining machine, most of the time assisted by the chubby Chumlee.

What a team! Every bald man’s dream team!

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The GOP figured they could garner redneck votes by having a plumber on the ticket.

Chesty The Bulldog charged with sexual harassment after humping numerous legs

Corporal Chesty XIV

MARINE BARRACKS WASHINGTON, D.C. — Cpl. Chesty XIV, also known as Chesty The Bulldog, has been removed from his primary duties as the official Marine Corps mascot following multiple charges of sexual misconduct, sources confirmed today.

There were several cases involving accusations of leg humping, unsolicited face licking, and one claim of lewd sexting.

“I always suspected Chesty was letting his fame go to his head,” said Pfc. David Trimbull, a member of the Marine Corps Silent Drill Platoon. “We all heard rumors, but the command made it perfectly clear they wanted us to keep quiet.”

In 2016, a story emerged about Chesty when a server witnessed him cornering two Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders at the USO Gala in Washington, D.C.

“I was in absolute shock, just like them,” said the witness, whose name is withheld out of fear of reprisal. “I couldn’t move I was so scared, and when it was all over, all I could do was comfort them and offer some clean napkins.”

The two cheerleaders never pressed charges and refused to comment on the incident.

The Duffel Blog

Ice Road Truckers: Behind the Scenes

Ice Road Truckers is a reality television series that premiered on History on June 17, 2007. It features the activities of drivers who operate trucks on seasonal routes crossing frozen lakes and rivers in remote frozen territories in Canada and Alaska. In the first few seasons the long haul semi trucks operated mainly in Alaska and the Canadian Northwest Territories.  But in the last few seasons the truckers have discovered the area of North America with the most ice roads and also the most treacherous. The Canadian province of Manitoba.

Many of Manitoba’s isolated Native communities in the central and northern part of the province do not have access to year round roads or rail lines. The Native reserves are located in areas of thick forest and thousands of lakes. Therefore the winter roads are the only way to get supplies up to those communities.  Thousands of tons of freight is hauled to the communities during the short winter road season, usually January, February and the first half of March. Once the melt starts, the roads disintegrate. Hundreds of kilometres of the ice roads are just that, roads running on frozen lakes. When the lake ice starts to melt it can be quite hazardous.

Manitoba Winter Road Map

 

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I have always wondered what kind of support the truckers receive when they are out in the bush hundreds of miles from nowhere.  When old grizzled God-fearing trucker Alex Debogorski is hauling across a frozen lake what back-up does he have when the ice starts cracking?  While Alex is praying to the heavens to keep him dry there is always cameras shooting his movement from many different angles, some from outside his semi truck.

And when foul mouthed trucker Art Burke is swearing like a drunken sailor because he took a wrong turn and is 300 miles in the opposite direction of where he should be, a helicopter is filming his semi’s movement from a thousand feet up.  When Art starts getting bleeped out by the program censors because of his obscene and indescribably vulgar diatribes he is talking to somebody who is riding with him.  And when Art runs out of fuel and he is pacing around in the snow there are two different cameras capturing his every lewd gesture.

How isolated and in potential peril are the Ice Road Truckers?  A recent photo seems to shed some light on this question.

 

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The back-up and support package that shadows the Ice Trucks is extensive. Middle: Polar Industries truck driven by swear-master Art Burke; middle left: two F-350 Ford pick-ups providing mobile camera footage from different angles outside the truck; top left: Jet ranger helicopter that doubles as a camera platform and air ambulance; bottom left: the main satellite receiving central processing television truck; bottom right; 4-wheel drive ambulance with defibrillators, body thaw-out receptacles and neuro-cryogenicist surgeons; middle right: super-heavy X-1000 Mack telescopic arm tow recovery vehicle, and for good measure, a high-speed all-terrain mobile crane. Just in case a semi needs to be plucked out of a very deep lake.

In my opinion I’d say the Ice Truckers are covered pretty good for any contingency.

 

New Theories Suggest Kennedy Wasn’t Shot

DALLAS—A controversial new book about the assassination of President John F. Kennedy has raised questions not about the role of a lone gunman or a conspiracy of shooters, but about whether the late president was even even shot at all.

While the book, Outside the Crosshairs, does not dispute the fact that a massive portion of Kennedy’s skull was separated from his head during the 1963 Dallas visit, it maintains that the president suffered fatal explosive- cranial trauma through means completely unrelated to gunshots.

“Certainly extreme force was involved in this tragic death,” said Dr. Horace Musashi, the book’s author and a professor of computer science at Mount Union College in Alliance, OH. “However, none of the available photographs or recorded footage provides even a shred of evidence that an actual bullet did anything to Kennedy’s body. As scientists, therefore, we must consider all other possibilities, no matter how much they challenge the status quo.”

Musashi himself favors an explanation known as the single-massive-spike-in-blood-pressure theory.

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After 11 years of painstaking research, Musashi uncovered testimony from anonymous eyewitnesses who claimed that unopened packets of duck sauce and soy sauce were hastily removed from Air Force One after the assassination. According to the book’s findings, the extremely high levels of monosodium glutamate combined with the stress of mediating an intense international ballistic-missile crisis caused Kennedy’s systolic pressure to mount to the point where the right rear quarter of his cranium “shot clean off.”

“Case closed,” Musashi said. “Mass hysteria accounts for everything else.”

The book has also sparked popular interest in a number of related theories. Retired police officer Joseph Czyz, who in 1991 was on the scene at Dealy Plaza for JFK-Fest, an assassination-reenactment weekend, claims Musashi and adherents to the single-massive-spike-in-blood-pressure theory have been led astray by carefully placed red herrings.

Theonion.com

U.S. Military develops new Interrogation Technique for Islamic Terrorists

The U.S. Navy has come up with a different kind of interrogation method which is being used on the Gitmo terrorists. Some human rights groups are calling the new make-them-talk interrogation procedure as inhumane and brutal beyond water boarding. Other prisoner rights organizations have said it should be stopped immediately, as it could cause permanent brain damage and PTSD.

But Naval intelligence officer Luther Youngblood countered that there is absolutely no physical contact with the terrorists during the procedure, and they get to munch on popcorn.

The technique was dreamed up by a clerk in the mail room at Naval headquarters in the Pentagon. Lionel Benningfield discovered that when he was watching all day marathons of “The Big Bang Theory” with his roommate the guy would begin to twitch and mumble to himself. After 6 or so episodes the roommate started spilling his guts to Luther about all of his most private secrets. His innermost life information would flow out of him like a water cannon.

And that is exactly what Naval intelligence has been doing at Gitmo. The bloodthirsty captured terrorists are forced to watch non-stop episodes of “The Big Bang Theory” on a giant screen for hours on end.

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This guy tapped out after 12 non-stop episodes.

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He was singing like a songbird after the TV show made him spastic. His info thwarted an ISIS attack on a kindergarten in Syria.

CNN having a hard time getting Reporters to cover Newest Hurricane

As Hurricane Maria barrels towards Puerto Rico right after the “nuclear Hurricane Irma” blasted through the Caribbean and Florida, CNN again intends on providing cutting edge coverage. The only problem this time is that many journalists that CNN tasked with covering Maria are calling in sick.

CNN drops the reporters right in the middle of the path of the Hurricane and expects them to deal with the punishing wind, blowing debris, storm surges and pelting rainfall as long as they can hold out. Some insiders have leaked that half a dozen CNN Hurricane Irma correspondents came down with wicked colds and skin wrinkling after being subjected to hours of being soaked and drenched by tidal flows and fire hose like rain.

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At CNN headquarters in Atlanta upper management was purported to be panicking after a call for Hurricane volunteers has went unheeded. Some reporters have called in sick, others have claimed they have family funerals to attend and some said they have to take stress leave which are backed up by doctor’s notes.

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The Washington Post has just released a breaking news story that CNN has hired Chuck Norris to tackle Hurricane Maria. Rumour has it that Norris can beat anything. Chuck will be flown over the ocean miles off the Puerto Rico coast and parachute down to the surface.  He wants to check the water temperature, wave speed and Hurricane induced super currents before swimming to land. He also doesn’t want to waste time landing at an airport and going through the baggage retrieval process.

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