Somewhere in backwoods Russia
When the bar owner found out the bear was broke
Somewhere in backwoods Russia
When the bar owner found out the bear was broke
I hadn’t seen this bogus nonsensical inane piece of crap TV show for quite a while. I thought they had maybe cancelled it. But no such luck.
Until now, I have assiduously avoided Ancient Aliens. I had a feeling that if I watched the show—which popularizes far-fetched, evidence-free idiocy about how human history has been molded by extra-terrestrial visitors—my brain would jostle its way out of my skull and stalk the earth in search of a kinder host. Or, at the very least, watching the show would kill about as many brain cells as a weekend bender in Las Vegas. But then I heard the History Channel’s slurry of pseudoscience had taken on dinosaurs. I steeled myself for the pain and watched the mind-melting madness unfold.
I’m actually glad that my editors don’t allow me to cuss a blue streak on this blog. If they did, my entire review would be little more than a string of expletives. Given my restrictions, I have little choice but to try to encapsulate the shiny, documentary-format rubbish in a more coherent and reader-sensitive way.
The episode is what you would get if you dropped some creationist propaganda, Erich von Däniken’s Chariots of the Gods and stock footage from Jurassic Fight Club into a blender. What results is a slimy and incomprehensible mixture of idle speculation and outright fabrications which pit the enthusiastic “ancient alien theorists,” as the narrator generously calls them, against “mainstream science.” I would say “You can’t make this stuff up,” but I have a feeling that that is exactly what most of the show’s personalities were doing.
There was so much wrong with the Ancient Aliens episode that I could spend all week trying to counteract every incorrect assertion. This is a common technique among cranks and self-appointed challengers of science; it is called Gish Gallop after young earth creationist Duane Gish. When giving public presentations about evolution and creationism, Gish rapidly spouted off a series of misinterpretations and falsehoods to bury his opponent under an avalanche of fictions and distortions. If Gish’s opponent tried to dig themselves out, they would never be able to make enough progress to free themselves to take on Gish directly. Ancient Aliens uses the same tactic—the fictions come fast and furious.
While the main point of the episode is that aliens exterminated dinosaurs to make way for our species—a sci-fi scenario accompanied by some hilarious, mashed-together footage of dinosaurs fleeing from strafing alien craft, perhaps a preview of Dinosaurs vs. Aliens the movie—the various ancient alien experts do little more than assert that such an event must have happened. Surprise, surprise, they provide no actual evidence for their claims. Instead, they borrow evidence for fundamentalist Christians, who are never actually identified as such. Creationist Michael Cremo is identified only as the author of Forbidden Archeology, and Willie E. Dye is credited as a biblical archaeologist without any mention of his young earth creationist views. Ancient Aliensproducers clearly did not care about the credentials or expertise of the talking heads they employed—just so long as someone said the right things in front of the camera.
And the creationists didn’t disappoint. About halfway through the program, Cremo says, “Some researchers found human footprints alongside the footprints of dinosaurs.” The quote is a line out of context from Cremo’s interview, but is played in a section claiming that American Museum of Natural History paleontologist Roland T. Bird found human footprints associated with dinosaur trackways in the vicinity of Glen Rose, Texas.
Bird didn’t find any such thing. He found many dinosaur footprints and trackways—one of which he and his crew partially excavated and anachronistically placed behind the AMNH’s “Brontosaurus“—but no human tracks. Strangely, though, hoaxed human tracks did have a role to play in Bird’s decision to initially visit the tracksites.
Erich Von Daniken is one of the noisiest blow-hards propagating the myths and archeological lies of the Ancient Aliens family. He is a big proponent of the theory that the Nazca Lines in Peru were space alien landing strips. The aliens travel billions and billions of miles through outer space to get to earth and they need landing strips?!!
The show can’t seem to decide whether aliens exterminated dinosaurs 66 million years ago or whether dinosaurs somehow survived to the modern era. Which is it? Did aliens clear away dinosaurs so that we might live? Or did some dinosaurs escape extinction somehow? Competing ideas bounce around like ping-pong balls during the whole episode. Grandpa Simpson tells more coherent stories.
Ancient Aliens is some of the most noxious sludge in television’s bottomless chum bucket. Actual experts are brought in to deliver sound bites that are twisted and taken out of context while fanatics are given free reign. Fiction is presented as fact, and real scientific research is so grossly misrepresented that I can only conclude that the program is actively lying to viewers. To present the show as a documentary, on a non-fiction network, is a loathsome move by the History Channel spinoff. (Technically, Ancient Aliens airs on an offshoot of the History Channel called H2.) If the network and the show’s creators want to present Ancient Aliens as a light survey of fringe ideas and make it clear that the ideas aren’t meant to be taken seriously, I can’t quarrel with that. But Ancient Aliens and shows like it winnow away at actual scientific understanding by promoting absolute dreck. Ancient Aliens is worse than bad television. The program shows a sheer contempt for science and what we really know about nature.
The narrator on the show does nothing but postulate conjecture. Question after question: Is it possible…, could it be…, is there a chance…, what if…,? The questions go on and on. And the ancient alien theorists assume that their speculation has to be true!
Recently sentenced former TV star Bill Cosby has escaped from a Philadelphia jail. He was convicted of drugging women and then molesting and raping them when they were passed out. This behavior from a guy who once called Eddie Murphy and told him to tone down his obscenity during his live acts.
It is purported that Cosby picked his handcuffs and shackles using a technique he learned during one of his many visits to the Playboy Mansion.
Cosby would pick the bedroom door locks of sleeping Playmates. Enter the room and knock them into deeper unconsciousness using a chloroform soaked cloth. What he did after that is anybody’s guess.
After Cosby discarded his shackles and cuffs he escaped down a sewer tunnel in the jail. His whereabouts are currently unknown, but he was fleetingly spotted emerging from a manhole in west central Philly.
The police are having a hard time tracking the famous fugitive as their tracker hounds are disoriented by the cornucopia of rancid smells in the sewers.
President Donald Trump made a pit stop yesterday. On his way to a rally in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Trump heeded the bright idea of his advisers and decided to check out a Walmart in Posumneck, Mississippi. The reasoning behind the Walmart visit was a kill two birds with one stone brainstorm. Trump could mingle with his rabid base, who are frequent visitors to the discount retail giant, at the same time he could check out for himself that photo I.D. cards are not needed to buy groceries.
Earlier in the week at another hate filled rally in Florida, Trump incorrectly said that people need photo I.D. to buy groceries. He was out to left field on that one, but then again when was the last time Trump ventured into a grocery store?
Trump appeared to be in merry spirits as he walked around the Walmart in Posumneck. He was cheered and celebrated by the customers who had the ability to realize he was there.
Leroy Laflange, the guy wearing the light blue slip, pink hat and striped stockings, was quoted as saying: ” I am sure this gorgeous president will eventually lock up Hillary, and then he can send Obama back to Africa where he was born. And get this on the record you fake news reporter, make America great again, and F**k Canada”.
Below: Billy Bob, on the left, and Billy Ray on the right with the protruding pot belly wearing the wool smock, both stated that Trump could mow down school children with a machine gun in downtown Tallahassee and they would still support him. We love everything that man stands for. Especially his truth that people should not believe anything on TV news, magazines, newspapers, or any online current events information. In unison both shoppers stated they believe absolutely nothing, unless it comes out of Trump’s mouth.
Trump mingled with the faithful.
Above: a reporter’s super sensitive microphone picked up Trump muttering something as he walked past Bucephelus Buck, the guy in the thongs and super short shorts, Trump said: “I have never seen so many retarded slobs in one place at one time in my life, where do these people get their fashion sense, in a pig sty? But what the hell, they love me, always smiling broadly with their toothless mugs. I love the degenerate bastards, I could wipe out a convent full of nuns with a rocket launcher and they would still vote for me the ignorant sombitches”.
Above: Trump bragged that if it wasn’t for his tax cuts JesseBelle Coon, the fat ass riding down the aisle, would not have been able to afford the reinforced turbo powered mobility scooter. The tax cuts allowed the manufacturer to lower the cost.
Trump was heard mumbling something under his breath to the effect that the fat pig on the scooter should be sent to a zoo or better yet, put down.
All in all great visit to Walmart by the Trumpster. Donald was last seen leaving the store with four cans of discount tan spray with his photo I.D. attached to his lapel.
al–Zawahiri, current leader of Al-Qaeda
Denis Beyak (play by play announcer for the Winnipeg Jets)
Goofball liar that should be pushed back into the hole
Sewer worker with attitude
Julian Assange also popped out of a chimney
More details to follow.
However the White House has released a photo showing the decorum that could accompany such a summit.
Trump was the first Reality TV celeb to make it to the White House, good or bad depending on your political stripes. Now Oprah Winfrey is hinting she may make a run for President in 2020. Only in America, television celebrities with good ratings are the heroes that achieve anything they want.
Crystal Ball 2019
News Bulletin Sun-Times: Donald Trump was impeached and sent to prison on various rape and sexual molestation convictions. Former President Trump was out of the 2020 White House race.
Oprah Winfrey pounced on the opportunity and declared her candidacy for president. Being the smart strategist that Oprah is, she realized her running mate should be another likable reality TV star.
Non other than Cesar Milan!
Oprah surmised that she could garner redneck votes by bringing a dogman onto the ticket.
With Trump cooped up at Sing Sing prison in New Jersey, the Republicans decided to follow the Democrats tactics.
The GOP ticket for 2020 would be made up of Pawn Stars head honcho Rick Harrison for president, and the running mate would be the Ghost Hunter RotoRooter plumber. Harrison’s political views are to the right of Heinrich Himmler. He is a rabid capitalist whose life source is sustained by massive gobs of cash.
It has been purported that he prays nightly at his own private money temple in his Las Vegas mansion. The temple is made up of pure gold and silver with a gigantic dollar sign in the middle. When he is done worshiping the god Mammon begging for more money he gets to work on his super computer bitcoin mining machine, most of the time assisted by the chubby Chumlee.
What a team! Every bald man’s dream team!
The GOP figured they could garner redneck votes by having a plumber on the ticket.
MARINE BARRACKS WASHINGTON, D.C. — Cpl. Chesty XIV, also known as Chesty The Bulldog, has been removed from his primary duties as the official Marine Corps mascot following multiple charges of sexual misconduct, sources confirmed today.
There were several cases involving accusations of leg humping, unsolicited face licking, and one claim of lewd sexting.
“I always suspected Chesty was letting his fame go to his head,” said Pfc. David Trimbull, a member of the Marine Corps Silent Drill Platoon. “We all heard rumors, but the command made it perfectly clear they wanted us to keep quiet.”
In 2016, a story emerged about Chesty when a server witnessed him cornering two Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders at the USO Gala in Washington, D.C.
“I was in absolute shock, just like them,” said the witness, whose name is withheld out of fear of reprisal. “I couldn’t move I was so scared, and when it was all over, all I could do was comfort them and offer some clean napkins.”
The two cheerleaders never pressed charges and refused to comment on the incident.
The Duffel Blog
Ice Road Truckers is a reality television series that premiered on History on June 17, 2007. It features the activities of drivers who operate trucks on seasonal routes crossing frozen lakes and rivers in remote frozen territories in Canada and Alaska. In the first few seasons the long haul semi trucks operated mainly in Alaska and the Canadian Northwest Territories. But in the last few seasons the truckers have discovered the area of North America with the most ice roads and also the most treacherous. The Canadian province of Manitoba.
Many of Manitoba’s isolated Native communities in the central and northern part of the province do not have access to year round roads or rail lines. The Native reserves are located in areas of thick forest and thousands of lakes. Therefore the winter roads are the only way to get supplies up to those communities. Thousands of tons of freight is hauled to the communities during the short winter road season, usually January, February and the first half of March. Once the melt starts, the roads disintegrate. Hundreds of kilometres of the ice roads are just that, roads running on frozen lakes. When the lake ice starts to melt it can be quite hazardous.
I have always wondered what kind of support the truckers receive when they are out in the bush hundreds of miles from nowhere. When old grizzled God-fearing trucker Alex Debogorski is hauling across a frozen lake what back-up does he have when the ice starts cracking? While Alex is praying to the heavens to keep him dry there is always cameras shooting his movement from many different angles, some from outside his semi truck.
And when foul mouthed trucker Art Burke is swearing like a drunken sailor because he took a wrong turn and is 300 miles in the opposite direction of where he should be, a helicopter is filming his semi’s movement from a thousand feet up. When Art starts getting bleeped out by the program censors because of his obscene and indescribably vulgar diatribes he is talking to somebody who is riding with him. And when Art runs out of fuel and he is pacing around in the snow there are two different cameras capturing his every lewd gesture.
How isolated and in potential peril are the Ice Road Truckers? A recent photo seems to shed some light on this question.
The back-up and support package that shadows the Ice Trucks is extensive. Middle: Polar Industries truck driven by swear-master Art Burke; middle left: two F-350 Ford pick-ups providing mobile camera footage from different angles outside the truck; top left: Jet ranger helicopter that doubles as a camera platform and air ambulance; bottom left: the main satellite receiving central processing television truck; bottom right; 4-wheel drive ambulance with defibrillators, body thaw-out receptacles and neuro-cryogenicist surgeons; middle right: super-heavy X-1000 Mack telescopic arm tow recovery vehicle, and for good measure, a high-speed all-terrain mobile crane. Just in case a semi needs to be plucked out of a very deep lake.
In my opinion I’d say the Ice Truckers are covered pretty good for any contingency.