MARINE BARRACKS WASHINGTON, D.C. — Cpl. Chesty XIV, also known as Chesty The Bulldog, has been removed from his primary duties as the official Marine Corps mascot following multiple charges of sexual misconduct, sources confirmed today.
There were several cases involving accusations of leg humping, unsolicited face licking, and one claim of lewd sexting.
“I always suspected Chesty was letting his fame go to his head,” said Pfc. David Trimbull, a member of the Marine Corps Silent Drill Platoon. “We all heard rumors, but the command made it perfectly clear they wanted us to keep quiet.”
In 2016, a story emerged about Chesty when a server witnessed him cornering two Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders at the USO Gala in Washington, D.C.
“I was in absolute shock, just like them,” said the witness, whose name is withheld out of fear of reprisal. “I couldn’t move I was so scared, and when it was all over, all I could do was comfort them and offer some clean napkins.”
The two cheerleaders never pressed charges and refused to comment on the incident.
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Now the real thing
Heywood “Woody” Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American filmmaker, writer, actor, comedian, and musician whose career spans more than six decades.
He worked as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, Allen began performing as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comedian, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality. In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Allen in fourth place on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, while a UK survey ranked Allen as the third greatest comedian.
So first off, yeah, I know that David Lee Roth’s isolated vocals from Van Halen’s 1978 juggernaut, “Runnin’ With the Devil” have been making the rounds out on the Internet for a while. But perhaps what you didn’t know is that there is a site that allows you to download them in neat little MP3 files so you could, as I’d strongly suggest, use them as ring tones for your smart phone. So let’s all help make our smart phones great again by ditching those irritating pre-loaded ringtones and replacing them with Diamond Dave’s straight-up mythical war cry from the stoner teen anthem, “Aaahhh Haaa YEAHHH!”
The music included version:
Shark Week is an annual, week-long TV programming block created by Tom Golden at the Discovery Channel, which features shark-based programming. Shark Week originally premiered on July 17, 1988. Featured annually, in July and/or early August, it was originally devoted to conservation efforts and correcting misconceptions about sharks. Over time, it grew in popularity and became a hit on the Discovery Channel. Since 2010, it has been the longest-running cable television programming event in history.
Let the fun begin!