Let’s imagine it’s 1973. I have my bachelor pad, my 28” color TV, swivel chair, hi-fi stereo gear, fondue set and my corduroy bellbottoms. I live in a Space Age world. I have everything I ever wanted. But somehow I feel empty. I feel I’ve mortgaged my happiness on things I don’t really need. I have a lifestyle but no life. There’s something missing. I’m lonely. I’m missing that certain someone special to share all this luxury with.

But relationships are messy. They’re downright difficult. And I don’t know if I’m ready to commit, you know what I mean? I really need someone who is always ready to please, always ready for me and what I want. When I want it. But where can I find such a person? Do they even exist?

I flick thru the latest issue of Man’s World where I find an ad for a life-size inflatable doll…

Just add air…Life-like in every detail…Snuggle up to your own Love Maid.

Eight dollars ninety-five. It all seems too good to be true. But I know nothing about “Love Maids.” I know nothing about inflatable love dolls…but maybe I might know a man who does. Bryan Ferry. He sang about inflatable dolls. He’s the man to ask. Maybe I should call him up?

Bryan, I live in this perfect world, all mod cons, everything I need, but why, why do I have this utter sense of loneliness?

Bryan (for it is he….): In every dream home a heartache… And every step I take. Takes me from heaven.

What do you mean by “heaven,” Bryan?

Bryan: The perfect companion. Deluxe and delightful.

You seem to know a lot about this, brah. Way too much…

Looking for a playmate? Well, here I am. I’m Lori, the latest, wildest, party-time sensation and I’m ready for action…

Bryan: Inflatable doll. Disposable darling… My breath is inside you… I dress you up daily. I blew up your body… But you blew my mind.

Ew. Too much information, man…

The earliest sex doll is credited to Dutch sailors in the 17th century, who used a dame de voyage—a masturbatory doll made of cloth for relieving sexual stress on long voyages. In 1908, the first recorded “manufactured” sex doll made its appearance in psychiatrist Iwan Bloch‘s The Sexual Life of Our Time. Bloch described this doll as “Vaucansons” intended for fornicatory purposes. These were made from:

…rubber and other plastic materials, prepare entire male or female bodies, which, as hommes or dames de voyage, subserve fornicatory purposes. More especially are the genital organs represented in a manner true to nature. Even the secretion of Bartholin’s glans is imitated, by means of a “pneumatic tube” filled with oil. Similarly, by means of fluid and suitable apparatus, the ejaculation of the semen is imitated. Such artificial human beings are actually offered for sale in the catalogue of certain manufacturers of “Parisian rubber articles.”

During the Second World War, it was long rumored but never actually proven that Nazi leader Adolf Hitler ordered sex dolls to be supplied to German troops fighting on the front line. The real change in sex dolls took place in the 1960s with the development of the vinyl inflatable doll with realistic “openings.” These became very popular in the 1970s, as can be seen by the following selection of bizarre adverts.

Dangerous Minds

Described by some as the “loneliest hotel in Germany,” the Roter Sand lighthouse, some 30 miles off the coast of Bremerhaven, Lower Saxony, has been welcoming guests for over 10 years. But the lighthouse itself is 125 years old.

The Roter Sand was built in 1885, and was considered a technical marvel at that time as it was the first ever structure built on the sea floor at a depth of 22 metres. For almost 80 years the red, white and black lighthouse was the first thing sailors saw on their way into the port city, and the last thing millions of emigrants saw before their ships reached the North Sea on their journey to the New World. But by 1964 its steel foundations became unstable and the lighthouse was decommissioned.

In1987, a spectacular rescue action restored the 31-metre tall building’s foundation, and following a restoration of the interior, the German Foundation for Monument Protection (DSD) worked to open the protected lighthouse to the public. Since the first visitors scaled the stairs of the Roter Sand in 1999, the lighthouse has welcomed some 5,500 day trippers and 800 overnight guests.

Earlier the lighthouse keepers were hauled up to the lighthouse in a large basket. Guests are however afforded the luxury of a step-bridge between the structure and a tugboat to enter which is more secure than traveling on a basket.

A picture from 1929 shows the use of the basket.

With room for up to six overnight guests, the tower comprises one communal bedroom, a combined kitchen and living area, and a bathroom. Guests must supply their own sleeping bags and towels but will arrive to find a fully-stocked kitchen, although they must do their own cooking. There is also no electricity or heating.

There is also a ban on alcohol in the lighthouse due to the 70 well-worn steps between this room and the toilet.

Day trips to the Roter Sand run around €75. Two days with one overnight stay are a little pricier at €488 per person, and three days with two nights costs €573 per person. But those hoping to visit the Roter Sand will have to be patient. The tugboat “Goliath” can only make the trip to the lighthouse on calm seas, which means that bookings – available only June through September – can be cancelled at the last minute. The guests who stay in the lighthouse can also get stuck if the weather turns bad overnight preventing their pickup the next day.

The Roter Sand celebrated its 125th birthday on November 1, last year. In honor of the lighthouse’s birthday, the German tourism board plans to spend €150,000 on renovations next year.

A postcard from 1907.

Image credit: Dharion

Image credit: Lemark

Amusing Planet

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Aussies slur their words and use only two-thirds of their mouth to speak because early settlers spent most of their days DRUNK, academic says

• The Australian language developed because early settlers were often drunk
• Academic claims the constant slurring of words distorted the accent
• The average Australian speaks to just two thirds capacity
• The drunken speech has been passed down from generation to generation

The Australian accent developed because so many early settlers were drunk and slurring, an Australian academic has claimed.

The first British arrivals to the country were such big drinkers that the distortion to their speech caused a verbal hangover that persists to this day, according to Dean Frenkel, a communications expert at Victoria University in Melbourne.

Proud Australians may be offended by the claim, which comes on top of the unavoidable truth that Australia began its modern life as a penal colony for our criminals.

But academic Mr Frenkel unashamedly wrote in Australian newspaper The Age: ‘Let’s get things straight about the origins of the Australian accent.

‘The Australian alphabet cocktail was spiked by alcohol.

‘Our forefathers regularly got drunk together and through their frequent interactions unknowingly added an alcoholic slur to our national speech patterns.

‘For the past two centuries, from generation to generation, drunken Aussie-speak continues to be taught by sober parents to their children.’

Bemoaning the still ‘slurred’ Australian accent, Mr Frenkel continued: ‘The average Australian speaks to just two thirds capacity – with one third of our articulator muscles always sedentary as if lying on the couch; and that’s just concerning articulation.

‘Missing consonants can include missing “t”s (Impordant), “l”s (Austraya) and “s”s (yesh), while many of our vowels are lazily transformed into other vowels, especially “a”s to “e”s (stending) and “i”s (New South Wyles) and “i”s to “oi”s (noight).’

Concluding with a call for Australians to improve their diction, the academic added: ‘It is time to take our beer goggles off.

‘Australia, it is no longer acceptable to be smarter than we sound.’

The Australian alphabet that ‘was spiked by alcohol’ and that the distortion to their speech caused a verbal hangover that persists to this day

HISTORY OF THE AUSSIE ACCENT

1788 – Colonial settlement established. A new dialect of English begins to take shape

1830 – By the end of the early Colonial settlement era major features of the accent, called ‘General Australian’, had developed, wi the country’s love of abbreviated words became part of everyday language

1850 – The Gold Rush leads to internal migration, spreading the general dialect around the continent

1880 – Extensive migration from England led to an emphasis on elocution and British vowels, which formed the Broad Australian dialect

1914 to 1918 – Australia’s national identity was galvanized during WWI with the creation of terms like Anzac and digger. Australians start to become proud of their accent.

1950 – In the second half of the 20th century, any emphasis on Broad Australian dwindled because of weakening ties with Britain and the General Australian accent became widely accepted as the national norm

1964 – The term Strine was coined to describe the country’s accent, which the majority of people continue to speak today   

Previous accent theories have included suggestions that the Australian accent is a true reflection of the 18th and 19th century accents of British arrivals, while the American accent reflects the way 17th century early settlers from Britain spoke.

The suggestion has been that it is native English accents which have changed, while former colonies have clung to old ways of speaking.

Winston Churchill described the Australian accent as ‘the most brutal maltreatment ever inflicted upon the mother tongue.’

Aussie Drinking Slang

Words for “beer”:

• grog (can mean any alcohol)
• piss

Words for “drunk”:

• legless
• off one’s face
• maggot (really drunk)
• pissed

Different sized drinks:

• schooner – 425ml glass of beer, except in SA where it is a 285ml glass
• middy – half-pint of beer / same as a pot
• pot – 285ml glass of beer in QLD or VIC
• pint – 570ml glass of beer
• long-neck – 750ml bottle of beer
• tinnie – can of beer
• stubby – bottle of beer
• slab – 24 pack of beer

More drinking terms:

• esky – a cooler
• goon – cask or box wine
• shout – to buy someone a drink
• bottle shop / bottle-o – a liquor store
• chunder – vomit
• drink with the flies – drink alone
• rage – party
• skull/skol a beer – drink a whole beer without stopping