Offbeat
Trailer Park Boys Jim Lahey Shittacisms
Beware: strong language
I just noticed Trailer Park Boys reruns are back on the tube after a little hiatus. Amazing how you don’t realize how much you miss something until it is gone. But the boys are back.
The first thing that struck me was Jim Lahey’s shittaphors.Lahey is the old warped drunkard who from time to time manages the trailer park. The man loves the word shit. He adds the word to almost everything he has to say. And sometimes it comes across as quite funny.
So I wasted my time compiling the list below.
Lahey taking a small swig
You know what you get when two shit-tectonic plates collide? Shitquakes, Julian. Shitquakes.
Shit-apples never fall far from the shit-tree
Yes I used to drink Randy but I got the shitmonkey off my back for good
The shit pool’s gettin full Randy, time to strain the shit before it overflows. I will not have a Pompeiian shit catastrophe on my hands
Your shit-goose is cooked, Ricky
I’m watching you, like a shithawk
The ole shit liner is coming to port, and I’ll be there to tie her up.
He’s about to enter the shit tornado to Oz.
Do you feel that Randy, the way the shit clings to the air? Shit Blizzard
Captain Shittacular
Did you see that Randy, Goddamn shitapple driving the shitmobile. No body else in this park gives a fuck why should I?
Birds of a shitfeather flock together, Randy.
We’re in the eye of a shiticane here Julian, and Ricky’s a low shit system!
Never Cry Shitwolf
When you plant shit seeds, you get shit weeds.
Lahey and his sidekick Randy in the drunk tank. Notice Lahey has wet himself.
you boys have loaded up a hair-trigger, double barrelled shitmachinegun, and the barrel’s pointing right at your own heads
How dare you involve my daughter in your hemisphere of shit
We’re sailing into a shit typhoon Randy, we’d better haul in the jib before it gets covered in shit
“You started this shitstorm, limpy.”
Ricky: “Why bother with a couple of shit sticks when you can have the whole shit trolley?” Lahey: “Nice shit analogy, Rick.”
“When you keep getting pelted by shit balls, Deputy, you gotta get a shit bat.”
“We gotta nail those shitiots.”
“Well, Ricky, it looks like you cooked your shit goose this time.”
(Erica:) “Ricky is a shit leopard that can’t change his spots.”
“Those two shit rats just pissed on forty dollars worth of eclairs at the bake sale.”
“It’s some kind of distraction from those shitniks.”
“He grew up as a little shit spark from the old shit flint hen he turned into a shit bonfire and then, driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging shit firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb, I’ll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unleash a shitnami tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit flames forever. And, with any luck, he’ll drown in the undershit of that wave….shit waves.”
“You just opened Pandora’s shit box, Ray.”
“Shit moths, Randy. They started out as little tiny shit larvae, and then they turned into shitapillars, a pandemic of shitapillars. Everywhere you look, Randy, shitapillars. I tried to put an end to the shitapillars life cycle, but I failed. And now? Shit moths.”
“I sense a shit derailment coming.”
“Listen, we don’t want to cause any shit talk here, boys. Matter of fact, I’ve been thinking about shit a lot less these days. Seeing as how I stepped in so much over the last few years, I’m sick of shit. Sick of shit.”
Donald Trump’s hair has gone purple
A major crisis has permeated the White House. A cosmetic malfunction caused president Trump’s hair to turn purple. His usually well-kept orange hair is no more. It all started at the Winter White House in Florida, Mar-a-Lago. Donald’s regular hair manipulator Roscico Sandeluseezu came down with shingles. He was rushed to hospital in Atlanta.
The Trump team acted quickly and brought in provocative, yet world renown hair sculptor Vassily Yakamoronziev from Russia. Vassily does Putin’s hair, or at least what is left of it. It is purported that he also does Kim jong un’s hair. As the story goes, leaked by Wikileaks, Vassily got the chemicals that usually go into Trump’s hair concoction mixed up. He thought he was adding anionic crust dye to the mixture when he was actually adding acrylic fiber, woad, indigo, saffron and madder. The results speak for themselves.
White House press secretary Sean Spice said Donald will be wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ red baseball cap for the foreseeable future.
Vassily’s hair artistry on Putin and Kim jong un:
Chinese Fireworks
Winnipeg Fireworks
A very worthy effort.
The Levitating Woman Magic Trick Revealed
Those bloody magicians have been frustrating me for decades. Now, thanks to the net, we can find out how the brilliant trickery works. These guys are good and very smart.
This trick requires a super steady forklift operator.
Funny Place Names of Saskatchewan and Newfoundland
There are many funny place names in Canada. Flin Flon, Optic Lake and Wampum in Manitoba; Hungerford, Pain Court and Zigzag in Ontario; Aachikaayusaakaasich Portage in Quebec, Blubber Bay in B.C., Dead Man’s Flats in Alberta, Nuttby in Nova Scotia, Poodles Corner in P.E.I. and Snafu Creek in the Yukon Territory.
But the two provinces in Canada with the nuttiest names have to be Saskatchewan and Newfoundland. As the lists below demonstrate.
SASKATCHEWAN
Amsterdam – Antelope – Baldwinton – Big Beaver – Biggar – Blumenheim – B-Say-Tah – Buffalo Narrows – Cadillac – Candle Lake – Carrot River – Ceylon – Chicken – Choiceland – Climax – Congress – Cut Knife – Druid- Earl Grey – Ebenezer – Edelman Lake – Elbow – Endeavour – Eyebrow – Foam Lake – Frontier – Grandmother’s Bay – Grizzly Bear’s Head & The Lean Man – Hague – Hitchcock – Holdfast – Hoosier – Imperial – Knee Lake – Liberty – Limerick – Lipton – Little Bone – Loon Lake – Love – Lucky Lake – Lucky Man – Major – Mantario- Milestone – Moose Jaw – Mozart – Old Wives Lake – Onion Lake – Oxbow – Pennant – Piapot – Poor Man – Porcupine Plain – Quill Lake – Revenue – Reward – Sanctuary – Semans – Smuts – Spy Hill – Stockholm – Swift Current – Uranium City – Urin – Xena – Yellow Grass – Zip Lake
NEWFOUNDLAND
Ass Hill – Ass Rock – Back Cove – Bacon Cove – Badger – Bar Haven – Bareneed – Bay Bulls – Billy Butts Pond – Blow Me Down – Bottle Cove – Butter Cove – Cape Onion – Catalina – Change Islands – Chapel Arm – Coffee Cove – Come-By-Chance – Comfort Cove – Conception Bay – Cow Head – Cupids – Curling – Deadman’s Bay – Deadman’s Cove – Diamond Cove – Dildo – Exploits River – Ferryland – Fleur de Lys – Flowers Cove – Fortune – Fox Roost – Foxtrap – Frenchman’s Cove – Funk Lake – Furby’s Cove – Gander – Gin Cove – Goblin – Goobies – Halfway Point – Happy Adventure – Happy Valley – Goose Bay – Hare Bay – Hatchet Cove – Hearts Content – Hearts Delight – Heart’s Desire – Jerrys Nose – Lawn – Leading Tickles West – Little Seldom – Low Point – Mosquito – Mouse Island – Nameless Cove – New World Island – Nippers Harbour – Noggin Cove – Old Man’s Head – Old Room – Paradise – Pasadena – Penetanguishene – Petty Harbour – Poor Boy Island – Quidi Vidi Harbour – Red Indian Lake – River of Ponds – Salvage – Seldom – Small Point – St. Jones Within – St. Jones Without – Stag Harbour – Tickle Cove – Toogood Arm – Virgin Arm – Wild Bight – Wreck Cove
Just for the record, I forgot Skookumchuck in B.C. and Whycocomagh in Nova Scotia.
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