Robert Mueller Begins Thirteenth Day Undercover As White House Janitor
Sean Spicer Cradling Comfort Pig Throughout Briefing
Sean Spicer Announces There Only Enough Time Left In Career For Couple More Questions
Rodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security Meeting
WASHINGTON—Noting that the White House chief strategist’s skin stretched and bulged as the animal scurried about, sources confirmed Tuesday that a rodent was clearly making its way through Steve Bannon’s body during a national security meeting. “You could see the outline of a rat or maybe a very large mouse scampering inside Mr. Bannon for the entire 90-minute strategy session,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland, adding that at one point the rodent-shaped lump paused and turned in circles several times before darting down the former Breitbart editor’s neck. “I tried not to stare, but the thing kept peeking its head out of Steve’s nostrils. I just had to look away when its tail popped out of his left tear duct.” At press time, White House sources confirmed that a faint squeaking noise could be heard every time Bannon opened his mouth to speak.
Deputy press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders greeting the press in lieu of Spicer, who she said was fulfilling some Naval Reserve duties (but who was totally hiding in the bushes outside the press room).